I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
Cue one big, jumbled rant…
I don’t feel like a person – I feel like the empty shell where perhaps once, a long, long time ago, there was once a person with hopes and dreams for the future. I have no dreams, no ambitions. I have no plans for the future except perhaps to graduate uni and to get through each uneventful day. I don’t believe that I will ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile with my life. It’s hard to say if I ever had any real aspirations… When I first started feeling suicidal at 14 years old, I gave up completely on any hope or plans for the future because I didn’t see there being a future for me. I was amazed that I made it to university because I honestly thought I’d have taken my own life before the end of high school. I don’t even have the faintest idea as to what I’d like to do career-wise and I’m now studying a degree that I fear will have been a waste of time. I’ve hated uni as much as I hated high school at times and I’m still in the exact same situation now with regards to anxiety and avoidance that I was in at the start of high school. I feel like my entire life has been and will continue to be a complete waste of time. I feel I’ve accomplished nothing in almost 19 years of being on this earth. I feel like a waste of life; A waste of flesh and blood. I wish I could give my life to someone who could make better use of it or appreciate it more. In many ways, I feel dead already. I’m never really living – just surviving. As I look to the future, I can only see more pain and failure ahead of me. Death seems much preferable to another 6 or 7 decades of misery and this chronic loneliness that I believe few people actually experience. What is there to look forward to?
I feel that my mental health problems have completely deprived me of any sense of self or personality. Throughout my whole life, people would just describe me as ‘shy’ or ‘quiet’. That was all there was to me. That’s all I was. It feels as if my SA has ruined any positive aspects of my personality that might have otherwise existed. I don’t know if I could really use any positive adjectives to describe myself…I don’t know who I am. Perhaps a large part of most people’s sense of self is inventing yourself socially or finding oneself through interaction with other people. I am literally a toddler with regards to social experience. I’ve been so socially isolated for the vast majority of my life that I don’t even know the most basic of conversational skills. I don’t have a clue how to make friends irl. My family members always say that it’s just as simple as talking to them and finding points of common interest/ asking them about and being genuinely interested in their lives…I just can’t translate that to an actual, real-time conversation. I don’t know the intricate social dance that everyone else seems to just get. On the few occasions when someone at uni has tried to start a conversation with me, it’s never lasted longer than 30 seconds (with the exception of JW). I just never know what to say and I’m too afraid of really getting to know anyone anyway, for fear of rejection. My body language and lack of eye contact must put people off straight away anyway. I don’t know why anyone would want to talk to me anyway – I feel that they cannot possibly want to be friends with me. I don’t understand people’s motives. If anyone is ever nice to me in the slightest, I’m convinced that they must want something from me or that there are malicious undertones to this.
I feel there is nothing to my life. All I do is study (when at university), play computer/ video games, read, go cycling, walk the dog, do housework, and waste time on the internet. That’s it. Very dull compared to most people my age, I imagine. My siblings are constantly out with friends…my closest sister (age-wise) is out at parties almost every weekend, at her boyfriend’s house every Monday, and usually goes into town with a friend at least once a week. The drunken pictures of various parties are posted all over facebook (don’t get me started on facebook – that’s another rant) as her trophies for having western society’s epitome of ‘a life’. My reward for being society’s epitome of a loser is the incessant loneliness and misery which I’ve already described. Speaking of which, I am becoming more and more disillusioned with society the older I get. I have no desire to become the superficial, mindless drone that I am expected to be. I no longer wish to be part of a society in which your worth as a human being is denoted by how popular you are, whether or not you’re in a relationship, whether or not you’re a virgin beyond a certain age, whether or not you’re attractive, how confident you are, whether or not you have the latest gadget, what you wear, whether or not you drink, how much money you make, etc. Why should I care about any of those things? If you don’t fit the mould that others have been preconditioned to accept as ‘normality’, you must have a serious problem. You must drastically change or be excluded from everything. I have no wish to be part of a society that will forever look down on me simply for being different. I don’t feel I will ever fit in anywhere. I’m a complete freak and outcast wherever I go. Sometimes I wish I could just live as a hermit somewhere and never have to deal with people again, as much as I yearn for close relationships. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the judgement and derision of others, or the pain of rejection. Actually, I’m almost a hermit already. When not at uni, the only time I ever leave the house is to go cycling or take the dog out, usually where there are few people around. I live with my family right now, but in a few years’ time, who knows how long I’ll go at a time without interacting with anyone. Despite the overwhelming loneliness I experience most of the time, I am so very afraid of rejection or mockery that I can do nothing about it.
I already feel that I’ve wasted so much of my life. Most people’s teenage years consist of having fun and going to places/ parties with friends. They develop their social skills. They perhaps get jobs. They have their first kisses and first sexual experiences. They have a fun drunken time with others at university/ college. They start to live their own independent lives. I’ve done none of that. I haven’t had any friends irl in years, and even when I did, most of them just mocked me/ weren’t ‘real’ friends anyway. I’m always worried that the fact I don’t have any friends (except online) will somehow get out to people at uni or to my cousins or other non-immediate relatives and they’ll think I’m even more of a creep. I’m getting to the age now where a number of people sort of assume that I must have had a boyfriend by now. I hate the way that some people act like being in a relationship is the most important thing in the world/ the key to being happy. I don’t believe either of those things but being alone forever is a rather depressing thought nonetheless. My sister is always going on about how I “should really get a boyfriend”…Yeah, why don’t I just pick one from the massive queue of guys waiting outside our house in the hopes of dating me? Even in the case of people without SA and depression/ who don’t feel that they’re extremely unattractive, I don’t see how she can say that. It’s not like a boyfriend is something you get just for the sake of having one. Still, I always feel humiliated/ ashamed of myself when I have to admit that I’ve never been in a relationship, even if it’s a psychologist asking. It shouldn’t really bother me because I don’t believe that it’s something to be ashamed of (at least not for other people) and I’ve never met anyone I got to know enough that wanted to be in a relationship with them anyway. My SA of course means I’m never able to get to know people. I can’t even make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex, never mind ask a guy out/ to be in a relationship with me (something I imagine would be met by a look of complete disgust and derisive laughing from whoever I asked). The thing that gets me down is that I feel I will never be capable of having a close relationship with anyone (either romantic or friendship), and I’m going to be stuck alone and miserable forever.
I feel so immature in that I’ve never really had any independence. Financially, I’m still completely dependent on my parents for everything. I’ve never had a job due to my SA, but I will need to get one this summer. Even the thought of job interviews and having to talk to colleagues/ customers makes me feel physically sick. I feel that I’ll never be able to drive because it fills me with so much anxiety. I have yet to sit either of my driving exams. In the teenage years, people start to spend much more time around their friends and less time around their family, perhaps going on their first holiday abroad without parents. I’ve never done anything like this because of my lack of friends. My sister is already planning her first non-family holiday to Ibiza with a dozen friends this summer. She’s planning on going to university in Glasgow or Aberdeen and staying in student accommodation for her first year then flat sharing thereafter. I deliberately chose a uni somewhat close to home because I don’t think I could ever handle staying in student halls. I’m immensely grateful that my grandparents let me stay at their house, though I feel guilty about it in a lot of ways.
It bothers me to no end that in just over a year, I will no longer be a teenager. I thought I’d have achieved so much more by now. I feel so incredibly immature and inexperienced compared to others my age. I feel so much further behind than I should be at this point in my life. When I look back, all I can see is the things that SA prevented me from doing. When I look at the present, all I can see is what it’s preventing me from doing now. And as I look to the future, all I can see is all the things that it will prevent me from doing. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know if it is even possible for someone like me to ever recover and have any semblance of an enjoyable life. I find no meaning in existence. There is nothing that I find makes existence feel meaningful. I have done nothing meaningful with my life so far. As I said before, I don’t have a clue what I want from life. To make a positive difference in the world, I suppose, but I have no idea how.