The second semester of university starts tomorrow and I’m dreading it. Stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. The induction day was last week and I spent the night before lying in bed crying, and only managing around 3 hours of sleep because I was so anxious about it. I’m hoping that tonight won’t be so bad. I don’t know why but whenever I go back to uni after the holidays, I always feel much the same as I did when going back to school – i.e. a complete nervous wreck at the thought of all the bullying I’d be subjected to. No one has bullied me or (to my knowledge) made any negative comments about me in the time I’ve been at uni, so I logically shouldn’t feel this way but I do. It’s like almost 2 years later, I’m still trapped in the high school mentality. Not a single day goes by in which I don’t ruminate over different things that happened while I was there. I don’t know how to get out of that state of mind. I had an appointment with my psychologist last week and we both came to the conclusion that one of the main reasons for my social anxiety is that I automatically assume that everyone is going to behave towards me in the way that the bullies did at high school. Because it happened to me almost every day for 6 years, by lots of different people, at the time when my mind and views of other people, society, and the world at large were still developing, I naturally came to the conclusion that that’s how people are and how they behave. Everyone is cruel, shallow, judgemental, and out to get me until proven otherwise. And even if a certain person somehow proves me otherwise, there is still an ever-present sinking feeling that one day they will do something to break my trust or that they’re just putting up with me because they have to and are secretly judging me negatively. There is definitely an aspect of paranoia there that I can’t seem to get rid of. I simply can’t trust other people.
As well as the usual terrors of having to sit in a lecture theatre with 120 or so other people, and eating in the university cafeteria, the thing that has me most anxious about tomorrow is that I will have to talk to JW again all morning after not seeing her for over a month. She’ll want to know what I got up to during the holidays and I will have nothing to talk about. I won’t be able to keep the conversation going and I’m worried that I will once again be exposed as a freak. I don’t know if she’s figured out about my lack of friends yet but I fear that she one day will and she’ll mock me about it or something…I don’t know. I don’t think it’s really worth the effort. It sounds horrible but I don’t enjoy talking to her at all. It’s not anything to do with her, but simply because of how anxious it makes me feel and how boring/ pathetic I feel because I never have anything exciting to talk about.
Anyway…it’s midnight and I should be going to bed. I hope tomorrow won’t be as bad as I’m anticipating it to be. Here’s to another day of survival.