I’ve somehow finally managed to surface from weeks of coursework and now have a chance to experience this highly elusive thing known as ‘free-time’ once more. This term was my worst so far in terms of struggling to keep up with the workload. I had to ask for extensions, and even extended extensions – which I’d have no hope of getting without student support fighting my case. Even with the extensions, I still had to miss a lot of lectures in order to actually get the work done in time for the extended deadline. Anxiety has certainly played a large role in this, but I think my biggest problem is being a perfectionist with regards to my essays, and therefore spending excessive amounts of time reading up on everything and going over every minute detail. I’ve become even more certain about going part-time after this semester – and I worry that even then I’d struggle a great deal with the workload. Constantly stressing about the workload certainly hasn’t helped my mental health – nor has forgoing exercise, free-time/ time to relax, sleep, time with family, etcetera in order to get the work done. It feels like I’ve done nothing but study and type my essays for the past few weeks…I put in a lot of effort but don’t ever seem to get much done. My psychologist has advised me not to compare myself to others since not everyone experiences the difficulties that I do. However, I can’t help but feel a bit useless for struggling so much when there are other people with part-time jobs and social lives who seem able to cope with it. I seriously worry about my future times at university if this is how much I’m struggling with the workload now.
I’m also currently on the verge of throwing up with anxiety in anticipation of tomorrow morning. I finally found an SA meetup group for people in the Edinburgh area and signed up to go along to the meetup tomorrow. I’m extremely worried as I don’t know anyone else who is going (apart from one person who I’ve only ever talked briefly with on facebook) and I’m convinced I’ll make a complete idiot of myself. I know that everyone else there will be in the exact same situation as I am but it’s still hard to believe that anyone will be as socially inept or awkward as I am. I have the social skills of a toddler and have no idea how to interact with people my age or what to say. I’ve even been advised by my psychologist not to go as he doesn’t feel that I’m ready to do something that big yet. Although on the other hand, I’m so sick and tired of being chronically lonely (and often being suicidal as a result of this) that it now almost outweighs the anxiety. It would be nice if I could finally meet a group of understanding people who I could hang out with every now and then. Hopefully I won’t chicken out at the last minute.
I’ll let you know how it goes. More updates coming soon.