I got back from my holiday – which was mostly enjoyable – on Sunday. The food there was fantastic and the people were very friendly. The first week was great, though my mood was worse during the second week, mostly due to loneliness. For me, it was better than the last couple of family holidays that we’ve been on because I involved myself a lot more. In the past, if I felt my mood spiralling downwards, I’d have isolated myself from the rest of the family and would have just generally moped around doing nothing. This time, I made an effort to include myself – even if I wasn’t feeling great – and mostly felt better as a result. I did manage to make some small SA achievements as well. I got better at talking to people in restaurants while we were there and managed to say hello to the shop owners that we got to know while we were there. One day we were on a boat trip and my sister somehow managed to get herself locked in the toilet. I actually managed – with the help of my other sister – to have a conversation with one of the staff members on the boat while we were waiting for someone to help get her out. I don’t think I even appeared particularly anxious. As it was so hot, my scars were on constant display again, but I soon managed not to care about that either. To date, no one has had a negative reaction to them/ been unkind about them, which is great. Despite my paranoia, they probably don’t draw as much attention as I think.
I enjoyed the holiday more than I thought I would and got on with everyone except my sister (I’ll write more about her later). I started to read a book on Mindfulness and practised some meditation exercises a couple of times. I’d promised myself that I’d get into a proper routine with them when I got back but haven’t done anything yet. I hope to do so once my mood improves. Although I wasn’t particularly busy most days, my thought pattern didn’t spiral out of control as much as it has done on past family holidays.
*Trigger warning for the rest of the post: suicide + self-harm*
Since being home, though, my mood has rapidly taken a turn for the worst. Again, this is mostly due to loneliness and hopelessness about my future. I’ve been suicidal again over the last few days and the urges to self harm are becoming more and more intense. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to resist them for. The thing is, though, as soon as I self harm, I will feel like even more of a failure because I’ve gone more than 14 months without doing it, and by starting again, I would be ‘ruining’ this. I feel like a complete wreck right now. I usually don’t cry very often, but lately I’ve been crying multiple times throughout the day. I can barely get out of bed most mornings and see no point in doing so. I’m finding it more and more difficult to get anything productive done. Each day just seems to roll into the next. I really hope that this is not the beginning of another depressive episode because – if it’s anything like the last one – I honestly don’t think I could survive that again. There isn’t really any one particular reason why I’m feeling so down – it’s more due to a number of things. However, like I’ve already mentioned, the main reason is the same as ever – loneliness, having no friends, feeling completely hopeless about the future, etc.
When we were driving home from the airport, as soon as we reached the outskirts of our town, this massive bunch of negative high school memories just suddenly hit me. I’m not really sure why. And there was suddenly this feeling of…It probably sounds crazy but, while I was in Turkey, it was like I was thousands of miles from the things that had happened to me there and the memories of that. I was free from any chance of bumping into the people who made my life a misery for so long. But now that we’re back…it’s like…there’s always the worry of bumping into those people…it’s as if, because I’ve come back to the same place as always, my mind has come back to the same place as always. And there’s just…this feeling that I can’t really describe…a feeling of being trapped, I suppose. Of being in the same situation that I’ve always been. Of being the same person with the same low worth that I’ve always been, and of having the same place and the same people to remind me of this. A feeling of constantly needing to be on my guard. I know that all of that probably sounds mad…I don’t know why I’m so incredibly fixated on things that stopped happening to me over 2 years ago now. It’s never left me.
I’ve also been quite stressed out lately about trying to get everything sorted out – funding, DSA, going part-time, meeting with members of staff, etc – with university, and I’m now even more worried about what third year will bring. I’m also feeling completely hopeless about finding a summer job and completely terrified at the prospect of having to work with others…I don’t know if I could even hold down a job. Again, I’ll write more about this in a later post. I’ve been having driving lessons and need to start studying for my theory test and get that out of the way. I’m convinced that I’m not going to do well in the practical. I get quite anxious when driving and I don’t know if I’d actually be able to pass. I’m feeling hopeless about that as well. I also recently had an appointment with a careers advisor and was told that I won’t be able to become a vet nurse – which is what I think I’d like to do – with my course. So yeah…realising that I’ll have wasted 5 years of my life by the end of this is super, smashing, fantastic. I don’t know how I could have been so stupid. I don’t know why I didn’t ask before. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Why the hell am I putting myself through 5 years of torture for nothing? But then…even if I had done a vet nursing degree…I’m still very, very unsure. I’ve never been sure of what I want to do with my life and have never really had a career plan. I just feel…what’s the point? I’m pretty sure that I’m going to end up hating whatever job I end up with – if I even manage that – anyway. I have no idea what to do. The careers advisor said that either way, if I do want to become a vet nurse, I will need to have a lot of work experience in a vet practice. She’s given me 2 weeks to phone around the local vets and get a placement for work experience or work shadowing. This is causing me intense anxiety – I’m extremely anxious about having to phone people, I still don’t have any referees for my CV, and – even if I manage to get work experience somewhere – I don’t know how I’m going to deal with having to talk to people at the vet practice. I’m feeling so stressed and worried about all of these things right now – I’m very poor at dealing with stress. I feel like I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out again – hopefully never wake up again. I’m pathetic. Maybe I’m just not cut out for the real world.
When I was on holiday, everywhere I looked, all I could see were people my own age in happy relationships. There were happy couples all over the place – kissing at the pool, laughing together on the day trips, cuddling at the airport, walking down the street and along the beach hand-in-hand. I tried not to let it get to me but it did. I feel that I will never have the chance to experience love. And ever since we got home, all I’ve seen are groups of young people enjoying the unusually hot weather together, laughing together, drinking together, talking about how great ‘T in the Park’ was, and probably having the best days of their lives. I’m jealous, I suppose…very jealous. And also quite bitter. I must be a very horrible and disgusting person to not have a friend in the world. Even my online friends have been ignoring me lately. One hardly talks to me anyway and the other ignores me as soon as I mention that I’m suicidal and don’t know how I’m going to get through. I can understand that my being so negative and whinging about my life must certainly put people off and make them want to stay clear of me. The thing is though, that whenever my online friends are having a rough time, I try to be there for them 100%. I know that there is really not much that I can do but I listen to everything they say – well, type – and try to be as supportive as possible. But whenever I’m having the worst time, they just completely blank me and stop replying to my messages. It hurts. A lot. They abandon me at the times when I most need support and understanding. It tells me that they don’t care about me or how much I’m hurting. I know that this is probably not true but…it’s as if they wouldn’t care if I did take a blade to my own skin again or if I did kill myself. It makes me feel like there is no one who cares enough to support me and to be a shoulder to lean on in this world. I do my best to support them but when I most need them, I’m left completely on my own. It makes me feel even more like I can’t rely on anyone. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I could talk to my mum but – as always – she has enough on her plate right now and I don’t want to upset her with explicit mentions of self harm and suicide. The helplines that I’ve tried in the past haven’t really helped at all, so those are out. I don’t have any friends to turn to right now. No one of the forums/ chat rooms that I go on wants to help/ has actually been helpful/ actually understands. I might try the suicide support forum but there is still not much they can do other than tell me to “Hang in there”, or the very irksome and cliché: “It will get better”. I HATE when people say that. If you have severe social anxiety and severe depression, have had them for most of your life/ many years, and are older than me, fair enough – if you’ve found some things that have helped with those conditions and have actually improved yourself. Or if you’ve gone through some very difficult things/ challenges in life and come out stronger on the other side, fair enough. But even then, who’s to say that things will get better for me? The annoying thing, though, is when people who have never experienced depression or social anxiety have the nerve to tell me that it will get better. How the FUCK do you know? Have you somehow travelled into the future, where everything is apparently SO much better? To simply tell someone with those problems – or any others – who is very much in need of help that things “Will get better” strikes me as very dismissive and lazy. If they could provide genuine REASONS as to why things will get better or ways in which I could help myself improve, that would be very helpful. But as for the people who simply tell me that things will get better and say nothing else…they might as well say nothing. Anyway…sorry for my rant…it’s just something that’s angered me a lot over the last few days. That was probably slightly harsh…I know that these people probably want to help and just aren’t sure how…but it annoys me nonetheless.
So yeah – I can’t really rely on support forums either. My psychologist has stopped seeing me now as well. He was supposed to be finding out about a social skills training thing that I could go to but he still hasn’t got back to me (it’s been 6+ weeks since I last saw him). I don’t see the psychiatrist until September and he’s completely useless anyway (for reasons that I won’t go into right now). I have an appointment with the counsellor on Tuesday, though I don’t know if there is much he can do. I do usually feel better after our sessions though. So other than my mum and possibly the counsellor, I don’t really have anyone who could support me right now. And I don’t want to upset my mum so I’m reluctant to talk to her about how I feel. I feel so incredibly alone right now. It just hurts seeing almost everyone else my age getting on with life and being happy. For various reasons, I seriously doubt that I will ever manage to make friends in a face-to-face setting. I almost completely doubt that I will ever have a relationship. I don’t know how I’m going to hold down a job. I don’t know if I could ever fully explain the reasons why I’m suicidal and why I want to kill myself…it’s one big accumulation of everything over the years, really. I’m not thinking of doing it any time soon and I don’t want to bring such pain and suffering to my family, but I can’t see any other way that I will ever be free from this pain and misery. I just want to get help and to get better but it seems like no one really cares. I don’t want to keep on living if this is what the remainder of my life will be like.