Well…I said that I was going to mention the positive things that I’ve achieved recently, but today has been quite negative so I’m not really in the mood for that right now. (I promise I will get to the positive stuff soon though).
I went into Edinburgh with my dad and my sister today. Dad had the day off and had invited us to have a wander around, see the street performers, go into a couple of shops, and go for lunch. I did enjoy it at first, and managed okay in a music shop (I’m usually even worse in music shops than I am in book shops). I know logically that the people there probably aren’t paying much attention to me at all but my SA likes to completely ignore that and makes me feel that everyone is judging me negatively based on my taste in music. I did manage to stay there without getting near a panic attack though (usually I’d chicken out and leave after a couple of minutes). I was even okay with the crowds as well. But I still find myself worrying about what other people think of me when I’m having a conversation with family members in public. I’ve told myself a million times that I probably won’t see most (if any) of them again, that they’re not paying attention to anything I’m saying and wouldn’t care anyway, but I still feel very, very self concious talking when there are people walking near us. My sister soon left us and went off shopping with my cousin and their friend. Dad and I just kind of wandered around for a while then got lunch.
We ended up on North Bridge. The weird thing is that even when I’m not suicidal – and even if I’m really happy – I still get automatic suicidal thoughts whenever I’m on/ near a bridge of considerable height, or near a railway line. It’s actually the first thing that pops into my mind when I see either of those things. Not that I would act on them, of course, but they can be a bit distressing/ worrying.
We met up with my sister, cousin, and their friend after lunch and they asked if I wanted to go shopping with them. I reluctantly said yes – even though I was very anxious about it – thinking that it would make me feel better. It just ended up making me feel a million times worse. We went into a couple of clothes shops and I found derealisation/ depersonalisation (not sure which of those it actually is) taking a hold again. I tried pinching my hand to try and snap myself out of it but it didn’t really help. I felt very spaced out as well for some reason – couldn’t really stay in the present for any more than a few seconds before returning to the massive web of negative thoughts in my mind. Once we’d finished shopping, we went to Starbucks to meet another one of my sister’s and cousin’s friends, who was on a break from her work. I just felt so awkward and like a lost puppy following them around the whole time. And I just sat there awkwardly, not being able to join in with their conversation, feeling crap about myself the entire time. I wish I hadn’t bothered going.
All my sister and cousin did the whole time was talk about going clubbing and getting drunk, freshers week, their sex lives, ex-boyfriends, drunken stories about people in their friendship group, the leaving party that my sister is having next week and how great it is apparently going to be, etc. On one of the few occasions they actually did talk to me, they asked what I’m going to wear to the party (it’s a costume party). I don’t think I’ll manage to make an appearance at all. I hate when my sister has house parties because I’m subjected to loud, shitty music, annoying drunk people wandering all over the house and not giving me any peace, and people shouting all night, with no chance to escape from any of it. It drives me insane. Any appearance that I make at the party will probably only be very brief, and it will only be to say hi to my cousins. I don’t ‘get’ most people my age, I suppose. I don’t ‘get’ the whole drunken parties/ clubbing and loud music and promiscuous sex thing either. And yet…I feel very, very envious of them in many ways. Though the things above aren’t my thing, I’d love to just have a group of friends that I could go out and do things with. My sister, cousin and their friends seem so happy. They’re always talking about the next party or the next great thing. I feel like I’m missing out on the best years of life. Will I ever get to enjoy life like they do? I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to find people who would ever want to be friends with me. It seems that having friends is a prerequisite for making more friends. I can’t trust people enough to reveal anything personal about myself. I knowingly destroy any chances of friendship that I could have had with acquaintances by avoiding anything that is revealing or would involve expressing emotions in any way. Even if I could connect to people, what would they say if they discovered that I have no other friends? I’m sure that they’d reject me instantly.
I wonder, though, does anyone really connect with anyone else? From what I’ve observed, most of the conversations that people have seem quite superficial anyway. Does anyone ever actually get to know anyone else? Does everyone still feel as isolated and lost in their own thoughts as I am? Is it all just an act? Is friendship just one big, useless lie? I worry that even if (by some miracle) I actually had friends, I’d still feel completely alone and devoid of connection, trapped inside my own mind.
Being around others my own age just makes me feel like even more of a freak for having no friends and never having had a boyfriend (two things that my sister frequently mocks me about/ makes snide comments about anyway), and for having so little social skills and life experience for someone my age. There are probably toddlers with more life experience than me. I feel like some sort of alien who doesn’t belong anywhere. Just a complete outcast. An unworthy subhuman who doesn’t deserve to be happy, to have friends, to be loved, or to belong anywhere. It seems that I will never belong or be accepted anywhere.
I don’t know if I could even fully explain what it was about the things that happened today that made me feel so awful. I felt like self harming again earlier (I didn’t) but I feel a bit less miserable now. There are times like this when I just feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. I’m convinced that that’s what other people would think of me if they knew that I have no friends and have never held hands with anyone; If they knew how socially awkward I am and that the wheelie bin goes out far more than I do. I will not be going shopping with them again, unless it’s just with my sister, or both of my sisters. I always seem to get left out otherwise, and end up feeling even worse.