Feeling crap

I’m not really suicidal as such at the moment, but I don’t really want to live either. Everything seems so hopeless. I’ve made a good bit of progress with my SA lately in some ways, but it all seems pointless given that I still don’t have the capacity to form relationships with people. I still have the social skills of a 3 year old. I’m still stuck in the same old miserable and lonely situation. I’m not enjoying life. There are parts of it I enjoy, I suppose, but I mostly feel like I’m just killing time until I kill myself. There are times like this when I just want to give up. Depression is doing its best to creep back in and it’s getting harder to keep it at bay. My life is pointless.

My psychologist (who stopped seeing me a few months ago now) contacted the old group that I used to go to for adults with high functioning autism/ asperger’s. He was supposed to be getting in touch with them to see about getting help with social skills/ joining social groups. I got a message back from him (about 6 weeks ago now) saying that he’d contacted them and I’d hear from them within a couple of days. After 2 weeks of not hearing anything from them, I phoned and asked to be put through to the woman he’d talked to. She was apparently busy at the time so the other person said they’d let her know I phoned and she’d get back to me later. I have now phoned the place 5 separate times and heard nothing back from anyone. This annoys me greatly. I am fed up dealing with people like this. I might try sending them an angry email as a last ditch attempt to get help from them, but I don’t even know if they could held me anyway. Yes, it might be nice if I could join one of the clubs there and feel a bit less anxious in knowing that I’d be around other socially awkward/ anxious people, but I never felt like I belonged there or fit in when I went in the past. It seems to be mostly males there as well, and they always seem very loud when I go there. This would make me extremely anxious.

My online friends have even stopped talking to me now as well. It hurts. But I suppose I’m crap at both making and keeping friends. Further proof that I’m nothing to people. I have no one to talk to. I honestly don’t think anyone without severe SA/ who hasn’t been socially isolated for the vast majority of their life can even begin to comprehend how lonely I feel on a daily basis. It kills me inside. I would do anything for friendship. I would do anything for connection with another human being. If someone told me “break your arm/ leg and then you’ll no longer have SA”, or “run a 50 mile marathon and you’ll no longer have SA”, I’d do it in an instant. I don’t care. I’d go through almost any physical pain or exhaustion if it would release the vice-like grip that this horrible condition has on my life. And yet…my fear of letting other people close and of rejection is so, so intense that I can’t do anything about my loneliness. I don’t know why. In my mind, I’d rather face the pain of rejection and of making an idiot of myself than continuing to live with the emptiness and loneliness that has plagued me for so long now. But I’m apparently stuck. Joining a club or whatever terrifies me. But I don’t care about such terror when compared to the pain and loneliness. But I do because I might be humiliated. It’s so frustrating. Logically, the worst thing that could happen is that I’m rejected and I end up in the same situation that I’m in right now. The best thing that could happen is that I make some new friends/ acquaintances. So why the hell am I not doing anything? I don’t know if I could even explain how or why but clearly I have a deep-rooted terror of letting people get close to me. I don’t know why. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

I’ve done nothing over the summer holidays. Well…I’ve tried to get things done but ultimately ended up achieving very little. My motivation is very low when I feel this bad. I should really have got my driving theory test passed by now but I haven’t even began studying for it. I don’t know if I’ll managed to get it done before I go back to uni at this rate. I am so angry with myself for my lack of productivity over the summer. I’ve been trying to get a job as well. It’s hard enough for anyone to get a job right now, but when you have SA, it makes it near impossible. I have no experience and I’m quite awful at answering the questions on the application forms. The longer I go without getting a job, the harder it’s going to be to get one, and the worse it’s going to look to a potential employer.

There have been no more meetups organised on the SA meetup group and I’m too scared to organise one myself. Actually…I don’t even know if scared is the word. I just dread people wanting to get to know me I suppose…actually, I don’t know if that’s even completely accurate. I haven’t been on any of the SA forums for a couple of years now, but I’m a member of the SAUK facebook group. I was on the chatroom last night and people were talking about how often they go out. Most said that they only got to go out with friends once every month or couple of months because they don’t have many friends, and it sucks. It makes me feel worse knowing that there are people with the same problem who still have far more of a life than I do. I have never been out with a group of friends in my entire life. I went to a party once in high school (goodness knows how I got invited to that) and went to the cinema a couple of times (and was incredibly awkward when trying to have a conversation) with my “friend” when I was 14. That’s it. That’s all I’ve done in the entirety of my teenage years. It just makes me feel pathetic, really. How can someone as socially isolated and stunted as I am ever hope to get anywhere with friendships? It hurts to know what I’m missing out on.

I frequently ask myself why I even carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I’m trying to fight SA despite having no hope of actually overcoming it. A couple of weeks ago, I had the only spark of hope that I’ve ever had in beating this thing but it was soon put out when reality kindly punched me in the face. I am just stuck socially…it’s like I don’t even know how to be a human being sometimes. When you have a four year old who is extremely shy and socially clueless, everyone thinks it’s really cute and is very patient with them/ tells them the right thing to do. But when you get to 19 years old, no one has any patience for shyness or social awkwardness. They expect you to just automatically know what to do in any (or at least most) social situations. Shyness and social awkwardness are signs of immaturity or weakness. I feel like I was never fully taken through the social code of conduct; That I somehow missed out on that. I wish it was as simple a reading a rule book and knowing what to do but I know that it’s nowhere near that simple. I feel like I can’t do even the most basic of social things without making a complete idiot of myself. In short, I don’t know why I’ve carried on this long or why I continue to carry on. In terms of suicide, it’s mainly because of my family. But in terms of continuing to fight SA, I honestly have no idea. I want so badly to change but it seems impossible. I just going to end yet another negative rant here…

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6 Responses to Feeling crap

  1. Blue says:

    Hey Gemma,

    Just reading this blog makes me frustrated, so I can only imagine what you feel like. I was in a really dark place like this not too long ago. I felt like I had accomplished NOTHING this summer, because I hadn’t checked off any of my goals (get a job, volunteer, get my driver’s licence, etc.).

    I wish I could fly out to where you live and take you out, and help you set up a SA meeting and find others you can relate to.

    One thing I can tell you is that you won’t feel this down forever. I’m not sure when you’re mood will pick up. It might when you start feeling like you’re accomplishing something, or when you go back to school and life forces you to be around other people again. But I assure you, just like it picked up in the past, it will pick up again.

    However, when you were talking about being persistent with calling that Autism group, I was clapping my hands for you. I’m pretty sure there would have been a time when you didn’t call at all – and to call several times? AND to be angry about THEM for being inconsiderate, instead of thinking, “What’s wrong with me that they didn’t call me back?” I don’t know if you feel this way, but I sensed that you made some progress there.

    I have one suggestion for you. I recently started going to a support group, too. However, the group is for people with anxiety, ADHD, and depression — not just social anxiety. As a result, there are not as many problems with getting people to show up, the conversations flow because there are people there who are not afraid of talking, and people who don’t feel like talking can just sit back and listen. What if you looked for a group like that in your area?

    Also, I have a question for you. I’ve been thinking about asking you for a while, but was waiting until I was more established. However, this seems like a good moment to ask you.

    I’ve commented before on how I think you’re an amazing writer. I’m currently making a help site for Social Anxiety sufferers, and I was wondering if you wanted to collaborate with me, and contribute some writing. I feel like your experiences in therapy, group meetings, and just with SA in general would make your contributions very heartfelt, important and unique. Plus, your command of language would be such an asset. Furthermore, you’re from the UK whereas I’m from Canada, and I feel like our health care systems may be different in some significant ways, so I’d love to explore that aspect as well.

    The perks are that you can consider it “volunteering”, and you’d be helping people. You may also find that it helps you in your own recovery process (I have found this already). I wouldn’t impose deadlines on your contributions, and would try to put as little pressure on you as possible.

    I will totally understand if you’re not up to it, or you just don’t want to, so please don’t feel you have to agree! I promise I won’t be upset. 🙂

    If you ARE interested though, please e-mail me. I can give you more details/show you the site.

    Anyway, sorry for this massive comment. I really hope you start feeling better soon.

    • Gemma says:

      Thanks Blue. Sorry to hear that you felt so awful not so long ago. I hope you’re feeling a lot better now. I actually feel considerably better already because of various good things that have happened lately. Yes, I agree with you about the autism group. It would have taken a lot for me to phone them in the past but it’s considerably easier now. I have made quite a lot of progress lately (I’ll write about this later, when I eventually have time).

      Thanks so much your kind comments/ the compliments about my writing. 🙂 I’ve emailed you about the SA help site. Sorry that this comment is quite rushed.

  2. Spyderdude says:

    How are you doing right now though? I’ve come across your blog, and found some things very much similar to what I am going through/went through. That issue with making friends, I know this is something you might hate to hear (partly because I hate hearing it myself), but the moment you find people that understand you, is the moment you’ll make greater-than-life friends.
    I think making friends with adults, when you’re considered as one, is the best time to make friends when you suffer social anxiety (partly, because a lot of people in the adult world are experiencing this). I for one, would like to be a friend if you want, even if it’s through the internet 😉

    • Gemma says:

      Hi Spyderdude. I’ve read some of your blog as well. The trouble for me is not just finding understanding people, but trying to break down the barriers that I put up. I’m not sure if I agree that adulthood is the best time to make friends with others – it was a bit easier as a child, but it seems impossible now. Thanks.

      • Spyderdude says:

        It kind of depends of what you call child, really. Before 12 y o, it was a breeze, as friends weren’t difficult about your looks, social skills, or amount of girls you had as girlfriend. But coming into my late teen years, I found how difficult making friends really was, and never connected with them anymore. I still don’t, but hanging out with folks older than I am (23, 24) really opened my eyes.

        These guys long don’t care about how succesful of a person I am, as long as I was around and nice enough to them too. I do have my social dips, as well as ups, but I think that that usual bullshit ‘it’ll get better’ is not that far off from what we can expect.

        What makes it so difficult, beside building walls between you and others?

  3. Gemma says:

    Yeah, making friends before 12 years old was considerably easier though I was still extremely shy/ anxious around others even as a young child. I suppose I might get on better with people a bit older than me rather than my own age but I’d be very nervous talking to them because of my complete lack of life experience. I’d probably just look like some naive little kid to them, really. I suppose I might improve in some ways as I get older and have more social experiences. As for what makes it so difficult to make friends – having severe social anxiety disorder and trust/ avoidance issues speak for themselves, really. I don’t know if I could ever fully explain why it’s so difficult or why I have such an aversion to making friends but I do.

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