I’m not really suicidal as such at the moment, but I don’t really want to live either. Everything seems so hopeless. I’ve made a good bit of progress with my SA lately in some ways, but it all seems pointless given that I still don’t have the capacity to form relationships with people. I still have the social skills of a 3 year old. I’m still stuck in the same old miserable and lonely situation. I’m not enjoying life. There are parts of it I enjoy, I suppose, but I mostly feel like I’m just killing time until I kill myself. There are times like this when I just want to give up. Depression is doing its best to creep back in and it’s getting harder to keep it at bay. My life is pointless.
My psychologist (who stopped seeing me a few months ago now) contacted the old group that I used to go to for adults with high functioning autism/ asperger’s. He was supposed to be getting in touch with them to see about getting help with social skills/ joining social groups. I got a message back from him (about 6 weeks ago now) saying that he’d contacted them and I’d hear from them within a couple of days. After 2 weeks of not hearing anything from them, I phoned and asked to be put through to the woman he’d talked to. She was apparently busy at the time so the other person said they’d let her know I phoned and she’d get back to me later. I have now phoned the place 5 separate times and heard nothing back from anyone. This annoys me greatly. I am fed up dealing with people like this. I might try sending them an angry email as a last ditch attempt to get help from them, but I don’t even know if they could held me anyway. Yes, it might be nice if I could join one of the clubs there and feel a bit less anxious in knowing that I’d be around other socially awkward/ anxious people, but I never felt like I belonged there or fit in when I went in the past. It seems to be mostly males there as well, and they always seem very loud when I go there. This would make me extremely anxious.
My online friends have even stopped talking to me now as well. It hurts. But I suppose I’m crap at both making and keeping friends. Further proof that I’m nothing to people. I have no one to talk to. I honestly don’t think anyone without severe SA/ who hasn’t been socially isolated for the vast majority of their life can even begin to comprehend how lonely I feel on a daily basis. It kills me inside. I would do anything for friendship. I would do anything for connection with another human being. If someone told me “break your arm/ leg and then you’ll no longer have SA”, or “run a 50 mile marathon and you’ll no longer have SA”, I’d do it in an instant. I don’t care. I’d go through almost any physical pain or exhaustion if it would release the vice-like grip that this horrible condition has on my life. And yet…my fear of letting other people close and of rejection is so, so intense that I can’t do anything about my loneliness. I don’t know why. In my mind, I’d rather face the pain of rejection and of making an idiot of myself than continuing to live with the emptiness and loneliness that has plagued me for so long now. But I’m apparently stuck. Joining a club or whatever terrifies me. But I don’t care about such terror when compared to the pain and loneliness. But I do because I might be humiliated. It’s so frustrating. Logically, the worst thing that could happen is that I’m rejected and I end up in the same situation that I’m in right now. The best thing that could happen is that I make some new friends/ acquaintances. So why the hell am I not doing anything? I don’t know if I could even explain how or why but clearly I have a deep-rooted terror of letting people get close to me. I don’t know why. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I’ve done nothing over the summer holidays. Well…I’ve tried to get things done but ultimately ended up achieving very little. My motivation is very low when I feel this bad. I should really have got my driving theory test passed by now but I haven’t even began studying for it. I don’t know if I’ll managed to get it done before I go back to uni at this rate. I am so angry with myself for my lack of productivity over the summer. I’ve been trying to get a job as well. It’s hard enough for anyone to get a job right now, but when you have SA, it makes it near impossible. I have no experience and I’m quite awful at answering the questions on the application forms. The longer I go without getting a job, the harder it’s going to be to get one, and the worse it’s going to look to a potential employer.
There have been no more meetups organised on the SA meetup group and I’m too scared to organise one myself. Actually…I don’t even know if scared is the word. I just dread people wanting to get to know me I suppose…actually, I don’t know if that’s even completely accurate. I haven’t been on any of the SA forums for a couple of years now, but I’m a member of the SAUK facebook group. I was on the chatroom last night and people were talking about how often they go out. Most said that they only got to go out with friends once every month or couple of months because they don’t have many friends, and it sucks. It makes me feel worse knowing that there are people with the same problem who still have far more of a life than I do. I have never been out with a group of friends in my entire life. I went to a party once in high school (goodness knows how I got invited to that) and went to the cinema a couple of times (and was incredibly awkward when trying to have a conversation) with my “friend” when I was 14. That’s it. That’s all I’ve done in the entirety of my teenage years. It just makes me feel pathetic, really. How can someone as socially isolated and stunted as I am ever hope to get anywhere with friendships? It hurts to know what I’m missing out on.
I frequently ask myself why I even carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I’m trying to fight SA despite having no hope of actually overcoming it. A couple of weeks ago, I had the only spark of hope that I’ve ever had in beating this thing but it was soon put out when reality kindly punched me in the face. I am just stuck socially…it’s like I don’t even know how to be a human being sometimes. When you have a four year old who is extremely shy and socially clueless, everyone thinks it’s really cute and is very patient with them/ tells them the right thing to do. But when you get to 19 years old, no one has any patience for shyness or social awkwardness. They expect you to just automatically know what to do in any (or at least most) social situations. Shyness and social awkwardness are signs of immaturity or weakness. I feel like I was never fully taken through the social code of conduct; That I somehow missed out on that. I wish it was as simple a reading a rule book and knowing what to do but I know that it’s nowhere near that simple. I feel like I can’t do even the most basic of social things without making a complete idiot of myself. In short, I don’t know why I’ve carried on this long or why I continue to carry on. In terms of suicide, it’s mainly because of my family. But in terms of continuing to fight SA, I honestly have no idea. I want so badly to change but it seems impossible. I just going to end yet another negative rant here…