We (me, my mum, and my other sister) visited my sister – who’s living in student dorms in another city – again yesterday. I tend to get a bit jealous when I go there, wishing that I could move out and live my own independent life like she is doing right now. She’s made loads of friends there already. I’m happy for her but I just wish that I could have the same thing myself. A sense of belonging somewhere. I suppose I feel a sense of belonging in my family now – I never used to until a couple of years ago, when my parents started to be supportive about my social anxiety and depression. Before that, they seemed to assume that I was just being difficult or really moody or something. They didn’t see past the depression. They thought it was just me. And they seemed to think that I was greatly exaggerating with the anxiety or that I just wasn’t trying hard enough to be social. I’m glad that those days are over and I can fully be myself around my family. I still wish that I had a small group of friends though. I’d love that, though I fear it so much as well.
Sometimes I wonder if instead of being bullied and made to feel worthless for the entirety of my high school years, I’d had some supportive friends who liked me the way I was and didn’t try to boss me around/ mock me, how much different would my life be now? Probably a great deal. I think friends generally help most people get by in life when it seems that everything else is against them – true friends, anyway, not fake ones. It’s so much harder to have no one to lean on and to have to try and deal with everything alone.
I just wish that I could have a bunch of people to have a laugh with and who I could talk about anything with. And we could go out places together and enjoy ourselves. We’d support each other through whatever hardships life happened to throw at us. I just wish that I could be accepted, really. I want to be liked. But I’m so convinced that no one would possibly like me. That I’m not deserving of friendship. I’m not even sure if I know how friendship really works. Maybe I lack the skills needed to be a good friend, or at least to maintain a friendship. I feel so conflicted when it comes to making friends. It’s something I want so badly, but it’s also something that I just want to avoid, for fear of rejection or maybe of people getting too close to me, or leaving me.
I see everyone else at uni with their friends and I feel like a complete freak. I must be the only person there with ZERO friends. I have yet to meet another person who completely lacks friends and has done so for years. And if I did manage to make a friend, what would they think of me when they find out that I have no other friends? How would I explain that one? How would I explain my anxiety to them? What are the chances that they would actually accept me and be understanding? What are the chances that they wouldn’t see me as completely worthless or deserving of being mocked or used?
I feel like I’ve wasted all of my teenage years because I never had any friends to do typical teenage things with. I feel like I’m missed out on so much because of that. I may never get to do any of those things. I will never get that time back. I want this to be the year when I become a lot more social and get to the point where I can have conversations with people, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I feel so incredibly anxious around people my own age. The woman that I talked to through facebook, from the social anxiety meetup group, suggested that I try to talk to and get comfortable around other people with social anxiety first. I don’t even know if I can do that. Even then, I just feel so awkward and don’t know what to say. I still feel that everyone else is so much better at socialising than I am. My social skills are too poor to even get anywhere near making friends with someone.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever manage to have non-internet friends. I long for acceptance and to feel part of something but it seems impossible.