I go back to university tomorrow so I’ll probably be updating my blog less often during the next few weeks/ months. I’m feeling quite anxious about going back and being around all of the other students tomorrow. Mostly, though, I’m just feeling quite awful. I don’t know what it is but I get like this every time I come back to my grandparents’ house and start uni again. It seems to be because I now associate the combination of being at my grandparents’ house and university with my most recent (and worst ever) depressive episode. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it all comes back – the sleepless nights spent crying (if I was even able to do that) and wishing for death, the cutting, the feeling of being so incredibly cut off from everyone else and the world in general, the researching suicide methods, the way that doing even the most trivial thing exhausted me, the unwavering and seemingly limitless misery that completely consumed me. My mind is instantly transported back. I never, ever want to be in that place again.
I’m feeling quite awful and stressed about my future career plans (or rather, the lack of) as well. I think I’d like to become a vet nurse but the pay is quite low. I don’t desire to become rich but I’d like to make enough to afford some luxuries and to take a nice holiday every once in a while. What if – the miracle of all miracles happens and – I have a family when I’m older? I want to be able to provide for them and not be struggling to find the money for everything. It doesn’t make sense to me to go to university only to end up in a low-paid job (if I could even get the job in the first place). I’d be making quite a bit less than either of my parents, and my dad had always urged me to get a well-paid job. My mum, on the other hand, has always urged me to get a job that I really enjoy. What do I do? It seems that I’m either going to end up in a job that I hate or I’m going to end up working long hours and not having much time to do anything else, with not much in the way of money. I worry again that I will have completely wasted my time at university. I feel like a complete idiot. How I envy those people who know what they want to do with their lives from a young age. I don’t have a clue where I’m headed. This is still something that I’m stressing out about so much. I should probably see a careers advisor again but I don’t know if it will help. I feel like such a screw up in life because of a bunch of things, including the careers situation.
Meh…hopefully I can actually get some sleep tonight without getting overly anxious about tomorrow.