Uni tomorrow

I go back to university tomorrow so I’ll probably be updating my blog less often during the next few weeks/ months. I’m feeling quite anxious about going back and being around all of the other students tomorrow. Mostly, though, I’m just feeling quite awful. I don’t know what it is but I get like this every time I come back to my grandparents’ house and start uni again. It seems to be because I now associate the combination of being at my grandparents’ house and university with my most recent (and worst ever) depressive episode. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it all comes back – the sleepless nights spent crying (if I was even able to do that) and wishing for death, the cutting, the feeling of being so incredibly cut off from everyone else and the world in general, the researching suicide methods, the way that doing even the most trivial thing exhausted me, the unwavering and seemingly limitless misery that completely consumed me. My mind is instantly transported back. I never, ever want to be in that place again.

I’m feeling quite awful and stressed about my future career plans (or rather, the lack of) as well. I think I’d like to become a vet nurse but the pay is quite low. I don’t desire to become rich but I’d like to make enough to afford some luxuries and to take a nice holiday every once in a while. What if – the miracle of all miracles happens and – I have a family when I’m older? I want to be able to provide for them and not be struggling to find the money for everything. It doesn’t make sense to me to go to university only to end up in a low-paid job (if I could even get the job in the first place). I’d be making quite a bit less than either of my parents, and my dad had always urged me to get a well-paid job. My mum, on the other hand, has always urged me to get a job that I really enjoy. What do I do? It seems that I’m either going to end up in a job that I hate or I’m going to end up working long hours and not having much time to do anything else, with not much in the way of money. I worry again that I will have completely wasted my time at university. I feel like a complete idiot. How I envy those people who know what they want to do with their lives from a young age. I don’t have a clue where I’m headed. This is still something that I’m stressing out about so much. I should probably see a careers advisor again but I don’t know if it will help. I feel like such a screw up in life because of a bunch of things, including the careers situation.

Meh…hopefully I can actually get some sleep tonight without getting overly anxious about tomorrow.

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7 Responses to Uni tomorrow

  1. I appreciate your candidness here. After reading this post, I was wondering what types of support you have built into your life, such as family, therapies, doctors, friends? Regarding your career direction, you don’t have to just ‘get a job to pay the bills’. (That would be boring). Think about what you are passionate about, and what would be your ideal environment in which to work in your passion area. I, too, have a blog at http://www.dismantlingdisabilities.com that you may find insightful as you go forward.

    And, by the way, kudos to your being in university! You must be overcoming a lot to get there as you deal with your social phobia. That is a strength for sure.

    Take Care!
    -Michael

    • Gemma says:

      Thanks. My immediate family are quite supportive, and I see a counsellor who is quite understanding. Animals and psychology are my passions so I’d definitely like to do something involving either of those. I really like your post on dealing with anxiety, and also the one about stigma/ bullying of children with mental illness. Thank you. It has been quite tough (though there are tougher things to come soon). Hopefully I’ll get through them alive!

  2. I understand how you feel. I’ve just finished uni, and I’m on the lookout for jobs right now. I’m worried that I might not be able to get a good job and I don’t know how long I can hold a job without letting my anxiety get the best of me. I think I’ll actually write a post on this.

    • Gemma says:

      I just read your post on job hunting and I can relate to a lot of the things that you mentioned. I couldn’t even imagine getting through an interview. The thought of even going along to one is unbearable, so kudos to you for facing one of your biggest fears. I can also relate to not knowing what I’d say if someone asked why they should hire me. It’s very, very difficult to ‘sell yourself’ when you suffer from such low self esteem. I have quite a lot of trouble taking in verbal instructions as well, so I can empathise with how you are on the phone.

      I wish you the best of luck in finding a job and admire you for wanting to challenge your anxiety.

      • Thank you! 🙂 I think you’re braver than you feel. Not everyone with social anxiety can handle going to university, especially when they don’t have many friends there. But you’re doing it and that means you’re already challenging your anxiety.

  3. Blue says:

    You’re definitely not a screw up. There are TONS of people who get one degree and then decide to go in another direction. I know it feels like a waste to you, since you’ve put all of this effort into university, but taking the time to figure out what you really want is not a waste if you eventually end up in a job that is perfect for you.

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