Well that was weird…

After the first 3 days of the year, I was worried that another severe depressive episode was on its way but it seemed to go away as quickly as it appeared. It was horrible to feel that way again, even if it was only for 3 days. Having no motivation to do anything other than lie in bed and cry and think about all the bad things that have ever happened to you. To have the emotional maturity and regulating capabilities of a toddler. To feel that you just somehow have to escape out of your own mind or die because you can’t take it any longer. To become an irrational, egocentric arsehole.* To feel constantly and overwhelmingly suicidal and self-destructive. I really hope that I never again have a depressive episode like the one I had in 2011/2012. I don’t think I could survive that again. It is just so far beyond misery that I don’t think I could even find the words… The complete abandoning of all hope. The feeling that everything is caving in and falling apart around you, and there is nothing you can do to change any of that or to feel better.

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*Not that I am not egocentric at the best of times – it’s one of the things I hate most about myself. I can be so damn self-centred. I don’t mean to be. But I am. It’s probably one of many reasons as to why I’m so terrible at making/ keeping friends. I’m so wrapped up in my own little world that I forget to make sure other people are okay. I forget that they have troubles and that they need help too. I have been in this stupid little self-absorbed bubble for so long. I suppose social anxiety and depression will do that to a large extent but there are other people with the same problems who aren’t nearly as self-obsessed as I am. Even on this blog, everything is just me, me, me. I don’t know why people waste their time on me. I give nothing in return.

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When I feel the old depressive feelings starting to creep back in, I’ve learned to try to be gentle with myself. To not beat myself up. To try to treat myself in the same way that I would treat a loved one who was ill and could not get out of bed, or a loved one who was going through a very tough time. I have been trying to learn to love myself. But in a way, I feel that it’s just more self-centredness. And maybe it’s because I hate that self-centeredness that I find it so difficult to love myself. Or maybe it’s just because I absolutely hate the person that I become when depressed. I feel so pathetic and weak. I have learned to sort of like myself when not depressed and not having a bad day. But I don’t think I will ever learn to love the vile creature that I become when depression pulls me under.

It seems bizarre to me that I could become that suicidal and depressed and self-destructive, and (thankfully) for only a short amount of time. There are 3 possible explanations for this:

1. On Hogmanay, I drank considerably more alcohol than I ever have before (I don’t usually drink).Not enough to get drunk (though I was a bit tipsy) but perhaps enough to throw my brain chemistry out of balance for a few days? I don’t know…I suppose it’s possible. I’d rather just avoid the stuff anyway because I still don’t see what’s so fantastic about it.

2. I’ve been reading Gillian Butler’s ‘Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness‘ lately, which I can relate to immensely. It’s as if someone wrote a book about my life, really. But there is one particular bit where she talks about not fitting in because (from a young age) you were singled out as being different from everyone else. I’m not going to go into detail right now (that’s another self-centred post) but it just seemed to trigger so many bad memories from my school years. And I understood everything in a slightly new way, I suppose. That brought my mood down a lot. I could not stop crying and ruminating over everything. I’m wondering if that’s what triggered my very short, albeit severe, depressive episode.

3. The mostly abysmal, overcast weather, combined with getting only about 7 hours of daylight (less if I slept in). And when it’s overcast all day (like it usually is at this time of year), it may as well be constantly dark. Maybe it was just that combined with generally feeling crap because another year has gone by and I still have the exact same problems and still have no semblance of a life.

Maybe it was a mix of all 3. I am feeling better (as in not suicidal), though still quite awful today. More whiny crap coming soon.

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