I never thought I would have been able to go this long without cutting during the worst depressive episode of my life. I am so, so glad that self-injury is no longer a part of my life. I hope it never is again. I can’t promise that it’s something I’ll never do again (as there is always the chance of having another severe depressive episode) but I can promise that I will try my best to find healthier alternatives to dealing with overwhelming emotions.
By now, my scars probably won’t heal any more than they already have, which saddens me quite a lot. A couple of people have suggested to me that I could get a tattoo to cover them up but I don’t think I’d suit one and I’m not sure if I’d want a tattoo anyway. I suppose it’s still an option though. I’m not sure what else I could do. I’m not sure if surgery is possible for self injury scars, and it would probably cost a fortune anyway. There’s always the worry that my relatives (those that aren’t part of my immediate family) will one day find out, or that I won’t be able to hide them from future employers (due to uniform regulations) and will be discriminated against because of them. That worry, and the need to always remain vigilant about who sees my scars, will always be there.
Still…despite the immense regret I feel about inflicting those scars, I’m proud of myself for being able to beat the habit of self-injury and recover to the point where I have no desire to do it any more. I just wanted to write this short post as a “congratulations” to myself, and to remind myself how far I’ve come. If self-injury is something that you’re currently struggling with, see this post for some alternatives that worked for me during the initial stages of stopping.
By the way, I apologise that my last few posts have been so rushed and badly written. Work (and the exhaustion caused by the anxiety I feel when I’m there), combined with my apparent inability to sleep while it’s still light outside, are turning me into a bit of a zombie at the moment.