I’ve been feeling really down again over the past few days. My negative thoughts spiral out of control when I’m at work, and can be triggered by even a simple comment which was not meant to hurt me. For example, yesterday at work, one of the delivery drivers sarcastically referred to me as the chatterbox of the place. I know that he was probably just trying to have a laugh with me and get me to talk but because it’s not the first time he’s commented on how quiet I am, and because I get these comments ALL THE TIME, I end up interpreting it as other people not accepting me. I end up feeling that I’ll never fit in anywhere, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, other people will never like me. I get so incredibly anxious about appearing rude to other people, and worry that my manager will end up sacking me because of how quiet/ weird I am. The negative/ depressive thoughts take over to the point where I can’t focus on anything else. They completely consume me, no matter how I try to shake them. I’ve been having thoughts about suicide over the last 2 or 3 days (though thoughts only) as a result of the negative thought spirals. I feel I will never get any of the things that I want from life. I feel that no one outside of my family (except perhaps my online friend) would even care if I died. That’s the mark I’ve left on the world. I have no close friends to speak of except that one close friend who I have never even met in person. I’m sick of wasting my life. Wasting all these years. I’m sick of having the same lonely and miserable time while it seems like everyone else my age is out having the time of their life and making the most of their youth. I’m sick of all the memories and of a lifetime of being misunderstood, taunted, hurt, and rejected.
Another thing which triggered my low mood over the past few days is that my plans to travel around Scotland (or even to go to just one or two places) have indeed been ruined. The accommodation prices are ridiculous at the time I’d be going away (over three times the limit of what I’d like to be paying), because I’ve left it so late. Well…there was one place, but it was at a hostel in which I’d be sharing a dormitory with complete strangers, which would pretty much ruin the trip for me (my anxiety would probably prevent me from getting much sleep), so I’ve decided against that one. I can’t help but think about how SA makes the sufferer miss out on so much and leads to our experiences being less enjoyable. For example, if I had a group of friends, we could go travelling together. This would mean that not only would it actually be affordable, the trip would probably also be significantly more enjoyable and less lonely. I know I shouldn’t really compare myself to others my age but I’m very jealous of the fact that so many of them get the opportunity to go on holidays abroad with their friends, or to ‘T in the Park’, and have a great time. My cousin (who attends the same university that I do) is currently on a trip to Cambodia/ Thailand. I went with her to the first meeting about the trip, and she seemed to really want me to go, but I just couldn’t handle the anxiety of travelling with a group of other, more stereotypical, students. The two different week-long trips I’ve had as part of my course were bad enough. The trip that she’s currently on lasts for weeks. I was also really worried about my cousin (and everyone else on the trip) finding out about my self-injury scars, and, as I didn’t have a job back then, I didn’t think I’d be able to afford it anyway. I do kind of regret not going now though. Someone else I know has just gotten back from a trip to a wildlife reserve in Africa, which is something that I’ve been wanting to do for years, but of course, I’ve never had anyone to go with. Loads of people from my course have done something similar. I’m not sure if it’s even the comparing myself to others that makes me miserable. I think it’s the fact there are so many things I want to do which my anxiety and social isolation prevent me from doing.
As I often do, I’ve been feeling especially awful about my lack of friends/ a relationship lately. I can’t understand why I’m unable to make any close friends unless it’s through the internet (my mind convinces me that it’s because I’m an awful person and no one likes me). I can never seem to get very far past the acquaintance stage with people. I am usually unable to show people the real me. It’s the same at work. I cannot show my real personality at all (I think my colleagues would get a real shock if I did!) And I know that all of this is illogical because I certainly don’t think that people like the person that my anxiety forces me to be. It doesn’t make any sense. Also, future boyfriend, if you’re reading this, now would be a really good time to come out of hiding, as I’m losing all hope of ever being in a relationship here. I can’t even have a basic conversation with guys that I find attractive (and even many of the ones that I’m not attracted to), so what hope do I have? Even if the man of my dreams was to suddenly materialise in front of me and ask me out, so that all I’d have to do would be to say “yes”, my anxiety is so bad that it would probably still manage to mess that one up for me.
I really feel for all the people in a similar (or worse) situation than me, especially the people in their thirties, forties, and beyond, who have never had any close friends or been in a relationship. It’s a horrible way to live. And I probably can’t even imagine the amount of pain and loneliness that they feel. No one deserves to go through life friendless and unloved.
I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give your love no matter what
Is what she said.
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don’t know yourself
– ‘My Friends’ by Red Hot Chili Peppers
I can’t help but feel that the CBT I’m doing is bullshit/ a waste of time, though it is early days, so I will keep going with it. I apologise for another depressing post.