All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed

I want to write about about a dream that I had a while ago. Now I’m not usually one for analysing my dreams, but in this case, I think it’s obvious what the different aspects of the dream symbolise.

I dreamt that I had been imprisoned by a totalitarian government (again, I read too many dystopian novels), for being ‘different’ to other people (in terms of being unable to behave like a socially ‘normal’ human being). There was a viewing area on the other side of the bars of my cell, which people could get into by going down a staircase. People looked right through me, and didn’t even seem to see me as a person. It was as if they were viewing something like a slug or a snail, and not another human being. It was as if these people had been told “Come and see the socially awkward freak!” I looked at their faces but there were no signs of compassion or recognition of another human being, simply an unwavering stare and dull, vacant expression. Then, suddenly, a guy walked into the viewing area Β and held my hand through the bars of my cell. He looked at me like a person, rather than like some kind of alien specimen. It was…nice. I wanted to keep holding his hand, but he pulled away after a few moments. It speaks volumes for my loneliness/ lack of a love life. Even in the dream, I realised I would soon have to wake up and go back to my lonely day-to-day life, deprived of human contact/ love/ close friends.

I don’t think a relationship is something that I truly NEED (after all, I’ve made it 21 years and counting without one), but it is something that I intensely want. I don’t think that it will magically solve all my problems. But loneliness is the worst and I would love to have a special someone in my life. Social anxiety makes everything concerning relationships an impossibility for me though. And I’m convinced that no one would ever want to be in a relationship with me, especially if they knew everything about me. I can’t bear the thought of being alone and unloved for the rest of my life. I can’t bear the thought of having no real connection with anyone for the rest of my life.

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11 Responses to All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed

  1. Lola says:

    I love this post!

  2. Lucy says:

    Hi Gemma. I found your blog a couple of days ago via a google search and have now read quite a lot of your posts – I don’t think I’ve ever related to a blog more than I do this one. I have SA and depression as well and it’s such a terrible combination, but reading through your posts has been such a relief… which sounds weird, and I’m not sure I can explain it exactly, but I feels almost like a kind of validation to see so many of the thought processes and anxieties I’ve had over the years typed up by someone else, like it makes it clearer to me that it’s part of a genuine illness and not just me being weird and stupid. Even the stuff you’ve written about your time in primary school is so similar to my own experiences.
    As far as this post goes, I completely know how it feels to crave a deep emotional connection with someone else, and feel both frustrated by the barrier SA puts up and also doubtful of whether or not you’re ‘worthy’ of relationships in general. It is horrible. I would love to have a close, meaningful friendship with someone, but I’ve got to a point where I don’t even know if I’m capable of building those kinds of relationships with other people any more.
    So yeah, basically I can really, really relate to a lot of the stuff you’ve written, and I will continue to follow this blog. x

    • Gemma says:

      Hi Lucy. I apologise that it has taken me to long to reply to your comment. I’m glad that my blog has helped you to feel less alone. I understand what you mean about sometimes worrying that our issues are just as being strange or stupid. I’ve had a number of physical health issues recently, which (after seeing a doctor a few times) it turns out are caused purely by my anxiety. I thought I was turning into a hypochondriac, or just being pathetic, but it just goes to show how big of a problem anxiety can be. We didn’t choose to have this crippling anxiety disorder, and its not our fault. I also know what you mean about worrying that you’re not capable or worthy of having friendships/ relationships. Thank you for reading my blog and leaving a comment. πŸ™‚

  3. Matt Micek says:

    Your dream really resonated with me, I remember that feeling of isolation so damn well… But you’re insightful, interesting, and surely capbable of love. I really believe you’ll be able to find someone you can truely relate to one day!

  4. Nick Stokes says:

    Interesting article. I guess this is the same way we all feel when it comes to relationships. Nevertheless, it is much different when put on paper. It gains certain significance.

  5. Yes, social anxiety can make your life miserable. It’s a natural need to bond with others and bond on a deeper level with someone special. So, I can easily relate to author’s feelings. Social anxiety is dangerous; it can ruin our career and personal life and we should get it treated ASAP.

    • Gemma says:

      Thanks for your comment. I agree that as human beings, having close relationship is a fundamental need. I also agree that social anxiety can be very dangerous both in terms of its effect on our mental wellbeing (leading to depression, and even suicide, in some cases) and on all areas of our lives. I wish that mental health professionals were more aware of social anxiety disorder so that adequate treatment was available.

  6. Guinevere Shapiro says:

    I know this post is rather dated, but I just wanted to say that I am so happy to have found your blog. I’ve never related so much to a fellow blogger before. So, thank you.

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