I want to write about about a dream that I had a while ago. Now I’m not usually one for analysing my dreams, but in this case, I think it’s obvious what the different aspects of the dream symbolise.
I dreamt that I had been imprisoned by a totalitarian government (again, I read too many dystopian novels), for being ‘different’ to other people (in terms of being unable to behave like a socially ‘normal’ human being). There was a viewing area on the other side of the bars of my cell, which people could get into by going down a staircase. People looked right through me, and didn’t even seem to see me as a person. It was as if they were viewing something like a slug or a snail, and not another human being. It was as if these people had been told “Come and see the socially awkward freak!” I looked at their faces but there were no signs of compassion or recognition of another human being, simply an unwavering stare and dull, vacant expression. Then, suddenly, a guy walked into the viewing area and held my hand through the bars of my cell. He looked at me like a person, rather than like some kind of alien specimen. It was…nice. I wanted to keep holding his hand, but he pulled away after a few moments. It speaks volumes for my loneliness/ lack of a love life. Even in the dream, I realised I would soon have to wake up and go back to my lonely day-to-day life, deprived of human contact/ love/ close friends.
I don’t think a relationship is something that I truly NEED (after all, I’ve made it 21 years and counting without one), but it is something that I intensely want. I don’t think that it will magically solve all my problems. But loneliness is the worst and I would love to have a special someone in my life. Social anxiety makes everything concerning relationships an impossibility for me though. And I’m convinced that no one would ever want to be in a relationship with me, especially if they knew everything about me. I can’t bear the thought of being alone and unloved for the rest of my life. I can’t bear the thought of having no real connection with anyone for the rest of my life.