It Never Goes Away

 

Quick update post. I’m not doing so well at the moment. I keep meaning to post regularly now that I may soon finally have the time, though my ability to write has very much gone downhill since I stopped posting on here regularly, and since I left university. To be honest, I’m embarrassed.

I think my depression is actually a bigger problem than my anxiety these days. In recent times, it hasn’t been as bad as it was when I was younger, and thankfully I’m not suicidal, but it does still very much impact the quality of my day-to-day life. The whole job/ career/ future situation isn’t helping. I think I’ve finally figured out what I want to do as a career, but having even a CHANCE of getting into that field requires years of experience, which I don’t have. I’ve been doing my best to gain experience, but I think it would still take years, at this rate, before I got my first full-time job. It’s also quite a socially demanding job, and I worry that my mental health issues and lack of social skills have decided my fate already. I hate the thought of being stuck in my supermarket job all my days, though most of the time I doubt I’ll be able to cope with anything else. Things could be a damn site worse, I know. I could be unemployed and without family members to support me. At least I have a job and I’m earning money. Sometimes I think I should just give up on my career aspirations, stop volunteering so much (given that it doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere), work full-time at the supermarket, and focus on moving out of my mum and stepdad’s house. I do feel bad for still being reliant on them in this sense.

I’ve struggled with low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I don’t know that I’ve ever liked myself. When you’ve been that way for so long, self-critical thinking is like breathing. You’re doing it constantly, but it’s become so embedded within you that you’re not even conscious of it most of the time. I continue to (slowly) work my way through a self-esteem self-help book. I made the picture below on a word art site the other day as part of this. Some are direct quotes that have been said to me at some point in my life; others are overall impressions about myself that I’ve gotten from the way others have treated me. It sums up what I think of myself/ say to myself constantly. I feel pathetic even posting it here.

 

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Figure.09

This is what bullying does to a person. This is what emotional abuse does to a person. I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop believing these things about myself. These thoughts never go away, even when I’m doing well. The above adjectives/ phrases are completely true to me, even though other people have said that they aren’t true. I’m in a relationship with a great person but I still can’t love myself, or even like myself. If you can’t love yourself, even the kindest of words will do nothing to change your view of yourself. No one else can give you the ability to love yourself. I feel I’m still in the same place mentally as I was in high school. I don’t know if I ever will like myself – I have 20+ years of self-hatred and low self-esteem to work with as it is. And not liking myself is bound to make me fail in just about every area of my life eventually. I mess everything up. I told a colleague (who’s going through a tough time at the moment) that she should be kinder to herself. I’m a such a hypocrite.

How does a person get to be like this? By being mocked, teased, humiliated, put down, rejected, insulted, hit, sworn at, yelled at, criticised, and laughed at on an almost daily basis, by many different people, for years of their life. Years of bullying messes you up completely as a person. It affects you for the rest of your life. Having a parent who is emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive towards you also really messes you up as a person, especially when the rest of the family see absolutely no problem with what is being said/ done. I deserved it. It was all my fault.

I’m sorry. I’m not very eloquent and I’m probably not making much sense right now. This post probably comes across as rather angsty and pathetic. I’m just hurting right now and needed somewhere to vent. I don’t usually tell my family when I’m depressed, and even when I do, they don’t really seem to care too much. Maybe that’s the depression itself talking, I don’t know. Either way, it’s not like there’s really anything they can do to help anyway. More updates coming soon, hopefully. I apologise again for dumping my whiny word vomit here.

 

 

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6 Responses to It Never Goes Away

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    hugs. you don’t need to be eloquent. you are being real. and honest. and that is enough. xxx

  2. Duille says:

    Hi, I would like to say something to help you feel better, but I know that in these cases the only thing that can probably help is leaving a word of love. So this is mine. I’m an italian girl struggling with social anxiety since I’m very young and I often feel the exact same pain that you described in your post. I know it’s hard, but remember that you are loved and this means that someone has chosen you exactly for the way you are. This means that that painful voice in your head is lying, as we both know ^_^.Resist and continue the fight. Every little step is a great step for us and, as I can see reading your blog, you have done great things! Focus on the progresses and not on the moments of difficulty: you will fix them, when you will be ready. We are all virtually around you to support you and your journey! Love (and sorry for my terrible, poor english! :P) ❤ ❤

    • Gemma says:

      Thank you so much! I hope one day I will truly be able to believe that the voice in my head is lying. Sorry to hear that this is something you’re living with too. I think that’s a very important point – focusing on all the progress you’ve made instead of what’s still very difficult. That’s one thing that I do often need reminding of. 😛 Thanks again for your supportive message, and there is nothing wrong with your English; it’s infinitely better than my (nonexistent) Italian! 😛 I wish you the best of luck for your future.

  3. One step, one day at a time….try to remember Not to let those people have such control over your life! Your a good person, Your loved! You have the support of family spouse, they all know how beautiul you are so try to focus on that and not the negative. Best wishes hugs

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